Top 10 Reasons our Kids Leave Church
We all know them, the kids who were raised in church. They were stars
of the youth group. They maybe even sang in the praise band or led
worship. And then… they graduate from High School and they leave
church. What happened?
It seems to happen so often that I wanted to do some digging; To talk
to these kids and get some honest answers. I work in a major college
town with a large number of 20-somethings. Nearly all of them were
raised in very typical evangelical churches. Nearly all of them have
left the church with no intention of returning. I spend a lot of time
with them and it takes very little to get them to vent, and I’m happy to
listen. So, after lots of hours spent in coffee shops and after buying
a few lunches, here are the most common thoughts taken from dozens of
conversations. I hope some of them make you angry. Not at the message,
but at the failure of our pragmatic replacement of the gospel of the
cross with an Americanized gospel of glory. This isn’t a negative “beat
up on the church” post. I love the church, and I want to see American
evangelicalism return to the gospel of repentance and faith in christ
for the forgiveness of sins; not just as something on our “what we
believe” page on our website, but as the core of what we preach from our
pulpits to our children, our youth, and our adults.

The facts:
The statistics are jaw-droppingly horrific: 70% of youth stop
attending church when they graduate from High School. Nearly a decade
later, about half return to church.
Half.
Let that sink in.
There’s no easy way to say this: The American Evangelical church has
lost, is losing, and will almost certainly continue to lose OUR YOUTH.
For all the talk of “our greatest resource”, “our treasure”, and the
multi-million dollar Dave and Buster’s/Starbucks knockoffs we build and
fill with black walls and wailing rock bands… the church has failed
them.
Miserably.
The Top 10 Reasons We’re Losing our Youth:
10. The Church is “Relevant”:
You didn’t misread that, I didn’t say irrelevant, I said RELEVANT.
We’ve taken a historic, 2,000 year old faith, dressed it in plaid and
skinny jeans and tried to sell it as “cool” to our kids. It’s not cool.
It’s not modern. What we’re packaging is a cheap knockoff of the world
we’re called to evangelize.
As the quote says, “When the ship is in the ocean, everything’s fine. When the ocean gets into the ship, you’re in trouble.”
I’m not ranting about “worldliness” as some pietistic bogeyman, I’m
talking about the fact that we yawn at a 5-minute biblical text, but
almost trip over ourselves fawning over a minor celebrity or athlete who
makes any vague reference to being a Christian.
We’re like a fawning wanna-be just hoping the world will think we’re cool too, you know, just like you guys!
Our kids meet the real world and our “look, we’re cool like you”
posing is mocked. In our effort to be “like them” we’ve become less of
who we actually are. The middle-aged pastor trying to look like his
20-something audience isn’t relevant. Dress him up in skinny jeans and
hand him a latte, it doesn’t matter. It’s not relevant, It’s comically
cliché. The minute you aim to be “authentic”, you’re no longer
authentic!
9. They never attended church to begin with:
From a Noah’s Ark themed nursery, to jumbotron summer-campish kids
church, to pizza parties and rock concerts, many evangelical youth have
been coddled in a not-quite-church, but not-quite-world hothouse.
They’ve never sat on a pew between a set of new parents with a fussy
baby and a senior citizen on an oxygen tank. They don’t see the full
timeline of the gospel for every season of life. Instead, we’ve dumbed
down the message, pumped up the volume and act surprised when…
8. They get smart:
It’s not that our students “got smarter” when they left home, rather
someone actually treated them as intelligent. Rather than dumbing down
the message, the agnostics and atheists treat our youth as intelligent
and challenge their intellect with “deep thoughts” of question and
doubt. Many of these “doubts” have been answered, in great depth, over
the centuries of our faith. However….
7. You sent them out unarmed:
Let’s just be honest, most of our churches are sending youth into the
world embarrassingly ignorant of our faith. How could we not? We’ve
jettisoned catechesis, sold them on “deeds not creeds” and encouraged
them to start the quest to find “God’s plan for their life”. Yes, I
know your church has a “What we believe” page, but is that actually
being taught and reinforced from the pulpit? I’ve met evangelical church
leaders (“Pastors”) who didn’t know the difference between
justification and sanctification. I’ve met megachurch board members who
didn’t understand the atonement. When we chose leaders based upon
their ability to draw and lead rather than to accurately teach the
faith? Well, we don’t teach the faith. Surprised? And instead of the
orthodox, historic faith…..
6. You gave them hand-me-downs
You’ve tried your best to pass along the internal/subjective faith
that you “feel”. You really, really, really want them to “feel” it too.
But we’ve never been called to evangelize our feelings. You can’t hand
down this type of subjective faith. With nothing solid to hang their
faith upon, with no historic creed to tie them to centuries of history,
without the physical elements of bread, wine, and water, their faith is
in their subjective feelings, and when faced with other ways to “feel”
uplifted at college, the church loses out to things with much greater
appeal to our human nature. And they find it in…
5. Community
Have you noticed this word is *everywhere* in the church since the
seeker-sensitive and church growth movements came onto the scene?
(There’s a reason and a driving philosophy behind it which is outside of
the scope of this blog.) When our kids leave home, they leave the
manufactured community they’ve lived in for nearly their entire life.
With their faith as something they “do” in community, they soon find
that they can experience this “life change” and “life improvement” in
“community” in many different contexts. Mix this with a subjective,
pragmatic faith and the 100
th pizza party at the local
big-box church doesn’t compete against the easier, more naturally
appealing choices in other “communities”. So, they left the church
and….
4. They found better feelings:
Rather than an external, objective, historical faith, we’ve given our
youth an internal, subjective faith. The evangelical church isn’t
catechizing or teaching our kids the fundamentals of the faith, we’re
simply encouraging them to “be nice” and “love Jesus”. When they leave
home, they realize that they can be “spiritually fulfilled” and get the
same subjective self-improvement principles (and warm-fuzzies) from the
latest life-coach or from spending time with friends or volunteering at a
shelter. And they can be truly authentic, and they jump at the chance
because…
3. They got tired of pretending:
In the “best life now”, “Every day a Friday” world of evangelicals,
there’s little room for depression, or struggle, or doubt. Turn that
frown upside down, or move along. Kids who are fed a stead diet of
sermons aimed at removing anything (or anyone) who doesn’t pragmatically
serve “God’s great plan for your life” has forced them to smile and, as
the old song encouraged them be “hap-hap-happy all the time”. Our
kids are smart, often much smarter than we give them credit for. So
they trumpet the message I hear a lot from these kids. “The church is
full of hypocrites”. Why? Even though they have never been given the
categories of law and gospel…
2. They know the truth:
They can’t do it. They know it. All that “be nice” moralism they’ve
been taught? The bible has a word for it: Law. And that’s what we’ve
fed them, undiluted, since we dropped them off at the Noah’s Ark
playland: Do/Don’t Do. As they get older it becomes “Good Kids
do/don’t” and as adults “Do this for a better life”. The gospel appears
briefly as another “do” to “get saved.” But their diet is Law, and
scripture tells us that the law condemns us. So that smiling, upbeat
“Love God and Love People” vision statement? Yeah, you’ve just condemned
the youth with it. Nice, huh? They either think that they’re “good
people” since they don’t “do” any of the stuff their denomination
teaches against (drink, smoke, dance, watch R rated movies), or they
realize that they don’t meet Jesus own words of what is required.
There’s no rest in this law, only a treadmill of works they know they
aren’t able to meet. So, either way, they walk away from the church
because…
1. They don’t need it:
Our kids are smart. They picked up on the message we unwittingly
taught. If church is simply a place to learn life-application principals
to achieve a better life in community… you don’t need a crucified Jesus
for that. Why would they get up early on a Sunday and watch a cheap
knockoff of the entertainment venue they went to the night before? The
middle-aged pastor trying desperately to be “relevant” to them would be
a comical cliché if the effect weren’t so devastating. As we
jettisoned the gospel, our students are never hit with the full impact
of the law, their sin before God, and their desperate need for the
atoning work of Christ. Now THAT is relevant, THAT is authentic, and
THAT is something the world cannot offer.
We’ve traded a historic, objective, faithful gospel based on God’s
graciousness toward us for a modern, subjective, pragmatic gospel based
upon achieving our goal by following life strategies. Rather than being
faithful to the foolish simplicity of the gospel of the cross we’ve set
our goal on being “successful” in growing crowds with this gospel of
glory. This new gospel saves no one. Our kids can check all of these
boxes with any manner of self-help, life-coach, or simply self-designed
spiritualism… and they can do it more pragmatically successfully, and in
more relevant community. They leave because given the choice, with
the very message we’ve taught them, it’s the smarter choice.
Our kids leave because we have failed to deliver to them the faith
“delivered once for all” to the church. I wish it wasn’t a given, but
when I present law and gospel to these kids, the response is the same
every time: “I’ve never heard that.” I’m not against entertaining our
youth, or even jumbotrons, or pizza parties (though I probably am
against middle aged guys trying to wear skinny jeans to be “relevant)..
it’s just that the one thing, the MAIN thing we’ve been tasked with?
We’re failing. We’ve failed God and we’ve failed our kids. Don’t let
another kid walk out the door without being confronted with the full
weight of the law, and the full freedom in the gospel.
Marc