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Friday, September 27, 2013

The Modern “Evangelical” Version of the Nicene Creed

Warning! Satire below:

I sort of believe in one God, The father, powerful over only all the good things,
Who stood by and allowed the heaven and earth to take its natural course
And our friend Jesus Christ, the Son
Who is really just the same thing as the Father,
By whom some things were made, but the Father really did all that.
Who for ALL men and for every single person who ever existed or will exists salvation came down,
Who didn’t rely on the Holy Ghost, born of some woman only Catholics talk about.
And looked like a man but was really only God.
Was crucified and did that thing we only talk about on Easter.
He didn’t really suffer because he was God and was buried,
He rose again in accordance with only the New Testament
He lives in our hearts,
And He became an ethereal spirit in heaven,
He shall come again and only judge unbelievers.
Whose kingdom doesn’t really matter right now.
People might think I’m Charismatic, so I never talk about the Holy Ghost,
Who is just some general feeling,
I don’t know where he comes from,
Who we don’t ever worship or glorify.
Who completely overcame the mind of the writers of scripture. (Especially the New Testament)
I believe in my, understandably flawed, local, and culturally relevant church.
I know we do baptism but it doesn’t really mean anything.
I look for God to make me happy and give me the job I want.
And a happy life now.

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