If All The Bible Translations Had A Dinner Party *humor*

If All The Bible Translations Had A Dinner Party

English Standard Version (ESV): Hey everybody, can I have your attention? Great, thanks. Look, I’m so glad that you’re all here for this reunion of sorts. It sure is great to have all of us translations together in one…

New International Version (NIV): Since when did you become the big cheese who gets to tell us what to do? Look, I know you’re the new kid on the block, and that a bunch of pastors are all like, “Rah, rah, ESV, our study Bible can beat up your study Bible.” But just because you’re new and polished doesn’t mean you’re better. Some of us have been around for a long time and have seen a lot of things.

King James Version (KJV): Hear, hear! Thou young Bibles have no sense of tradition or languages. Thou goest hither and yon, getting makeovers every three years.  NIV, in the last ten years thou hast gotten plastic surgery and thou hast begun dressing like a metrosexual. Thou hast lost thy manhood! I haven’t changed one jot or tittle in over 400 years! [Takes small sip of merlot from a goblet marked “Ebenezer”].

NIV: I am not dressing like a metrosexual! These are skinny jeans. They’re supposed to look…skinny. And in terms of my manhood, let me make something…

The Message (MSG): Dudes, why does Old Man James always talk like that? [Slurps on Redbull]. I mean, like, what’s the difference between “Thee” and “Thou”? And what are jots and tittles? Are they like “Mike & Ike’s”? Honestly, I feel like I’m talking to someone who speaks Mexican. Whatev’s. I totes don’t get it.

ESV: Okay, okay, listen. Yes, I have been getting a lot of attention lately, and I did have a snazzy marketing campaign, but that doesn’t mean I’m bet…

MSG: Dude, can you talk a little quieter. My son, The Message Remix, is competing in the X-Games, and I’m trying to watch on my phone. He’s totes shredding the half-pipe.

Amplified Bible (AMP) [nervously rubbing hands together, perspiration forming on mustache]: I just want to say that I’m really grateful, excited, thrilled, jazzed, stoked to be here. I talk a lot, say a lot of words, run my mouth when I get nervous, anxious, stressed, worried, so please ignore, deny, pay no attention to me. Did I say too much?

KJV [speaking very loudly]: Translations these days have no sense of history, no sense of tradition. I wast commissioned by King James himself. I am practically royalty. Back in my day, there was no New Living Message Voice Remix. There were no glow in the dark covers or Bible XTremes. There was only the king’s English, and we liked it that way. Message, who doth commissioned you? Was it a President or Prime Minister?

MSG: Uhh, a guy name Eugene. He’s from Montana, I think. Wears Birkenstocks. Totes awesome dude.

Scofield Reference Bible (SRB): Guys, I know that, technically, I’m not a translation, so I really appreciate you letting me be here. Gosh, it’s so exciting to be here with all of you. I don’t often get the chance to speak. I’ve prepared a detailed presentation I’d like to share with all of you.

ESV [muttering]: Oh boy. Here we go.

SRB: Anyway, I’ve got a lot of really neat charts and tables that I’d like to show you guys. I think that by the time this dinner is over, we can predict the return of Christ to within 24 hours.

NIV: Look, not to be a jerk, but I think all of us contain a verse in which Jesus says we can’t know the time or the hour.

ESV [snickering]: Are you sure you still have that verse?

NIV: Oh, is that how it’s going to be? Don’t even get me started. Old Man James over there has more errors than Derek Jeter, and The Message is practically having a rave. Then there’s Amp, who can’t stop talking, and Mr. Scofield who has managed to connect Israel, Michael Gorbachev, and Michael W. Smith. I’m the only sane one of the bunch!

AMP: I think you’re overreacting, being hyperbolic, exaggerating. Yes perhaps I do speak, pontificate, ramble on a bit, but it’s all for good. I think if you would just let me speak, talk, hold forth a bit more, you would see that I have wonderful, extravagant, delightful ideas.

NIV: And ESV, don’t get me started on your whole family. You’re brother, Study Bible, has a serious weight problem. I mean, he needs to go on Atkins or something. Your grandma, Mrs. Heirloom, likes to wrap herself in calfskin. Calfskin! Does she sleep on a bed of veal? And your little sister, Glo Bible, looks like she’s ready to hit the rave scene.

ESV [standing up]: You stay away from my family! We’re working on our problems. At least I didn’t have a vasectomy!

MSG: Woah…this just got intense. [cracks open another Red Bull]. What’s a vasectomy?

NIV: How dare you?!? Let’s make this clear. I was neutered. There is a big difference. It’s kind of like being a eunuch, but different.

[Awkward silence]

SRB: So like I was saying, I have these really neat color-coded charts that clearly show how the fall of the Berlin Wall was predicted in…

KJV: Oh just shut up, dear boy. Thou rants and rants when thou knowest nothing! I long for the good old days when a man protected his family with both the broadsword and the Bible.

SRB: Well then. I’ll be leaving.

Catholic Edition Revised Standard Version (CRSV): Guys, I know I haven’t said anything yet, but I really think I can solve this problem.

ESV: No, no. I know how you work. You think that because you have extra books, that somehow makes you special. Well it doesn’t!

MSG: Dudes! Dudes. It’s in these times that I like to quote that verse in Proverbs which says, “Can’t we all just get along?”

EXPOSITIONAL PREACHING: WHAT IS IT? RYAN BURTON KING ANSWERS

 

Pastor Ryan Burton King posted his three part series on Expositional Preaching that was printed in the worship bulletin of Grace Baptist Church (Wood Green):

Preaching is vital to the church’s life and care should be taken with reference to context, time allotted, and biblical exegesis as to what should be preached and how. In any case, an expositional sermon draws its substance from God’s word, deals with the matters raised in a particular Scriptural text, and should consistently point to the message of the Saviour that undergirds all Scriptural texts…

Expositional preaching reads, explains, and applies the Scriptures in a way that is unrivalled by other styles of preaching. It requires attention as the preacher prepares then delivers the message drawn from the text, and as the people listen. It commands devotion, as people are driven to search the Scriptures more deeply and, if the messages are working consecutively through a book, drawn to meet again so as not miss the next segment. It demands a response, challenging head-thoughts, heart-feelings, and life-styles with the call to lay other things aside and seek first God’s kingdom and righteousness in Christ. That is why we preach expositionally.

Whither Reformed Baptists? #1 of 4

It has often been stated that the Lord Jesus referenced only the church twice in His earthly ministry. The first time is in Matthew 16 wherein he stated that the gates of hell would not prevail against the church and the secondly in Matthew 18 wherein He envisions the necessity of church discipline against an impenitent member. In these two statements, it has been said, we have the church triumphant and the church militant (struggling). The history of the Church bears both these marks. There are glorious stories of triumph and grievous stories of shame, infidelity, and retreat.

For over thirty years I have been part of Reformed Baptist Churches. I have pastored one church for nearly 25 years and have sought to help other churches get planted. I have been involved in ministerial training in the US, Africa and the Far East. In recent months I have been thinking through the trajectory we, as churches, seem to be on. I am not a prophet nor the son of a prophet. My plan, in these blogs, is to identify four areas of concern and articulate some course of action.

The first area of concern is that of future leadership. While there are numerous Calvinistic Baptist movements marked by vigorous and youthful leadership, our churches are not yet among their number. There are many of our churches where there are sole pastors and some of those churches are pastored by men of advancing years. Not only can they not find a fellow elder to bring about a biblical plurality, they do not know who will lead their flock in the decades to come. No pastor I know wants their churches to fade away when they are gone. They desire that God will replace them with robustly confessional men who love the Lord and His people and who will lead them to the green grass and cool waters of His Word for decades till they themselves are replaced.

What kind of men? We desire biblically qualified men who have a passion to selflessly shepherd Christ’s flock. We desire men of giftedness who will be able to feed the flock. We desire men of confessional conviction. That means, for us, men who embrace the truths of historic confessional Christianity with firmness, conviction, knowledge and joy. Men who embrace Baptist Covenant Theology. Men who love the Lord’s Day and are not ashamed of its place in the Moral Law. Men who believe in the centrality of the church and the commitment of members to it’s life together. If our churches are to remain committed not only to Orthodox and Reformed Christianity but to 1689 Confessionalism then we must do at least three things.

The first we must do is pray that the Lord of the Harvest will raise up laborers (Matt 9:38). As one has well said, only the God who made the world can make a gospel minister. Secondly we must invest in our youth. We must lay bare afresh what we believe and why we believe it and pray that the Lord will instill in them a passion for these truths they have grown up with in a way that does not lead to pride, judgmentalism towards brethren who differ, and isolation. We can and must be a people of narrow convictions and broad affections and associations. Thirdly we must act. Encourage young men to consider the ministry. Pastors need to look for men to mentor and invest time and resources in. Look to give younger men opportunities for ministry—prison ministries, nursing homes, homeless shelters, youth gatherings, Sunday School classes, and eventually morning or evening worship services. Lead the people of God in prayer for the rising generation with hope that God will own and bless His truth till His Son returns in glory.

Jim Savastio, Pastor

Reformed Baptist Church of Louisville

.

If you love god (whomever you think that is) we're on the same team....right?

The Warren Trajectory

A lot of folks wonder what exactly we do with our time up here in the frozen wilderness whenever the temperatures drop below – well – liveable.  I don’t know about everybody else, but I’ve spent my winters building a time machine.  It’s been absolutely a blast traveling about, discovering church history in Mr. Peabody fashion.  Why, just last week I sat in on a few of John Calvin’s lectures at the Genevan Academy!

But as exciting as it can be to travel into the past, the real fun is in discovering the future.   Armchair theologians like to speculate about where various theologians church celebrities are going to wind up.  Well, speculate no longer, because I’m back from the future with a thumb-drive, and I’ve discovered some pretty interesting video evidence of the near future.

It appears that recently a lot of folks are up in arms over Rick Warren’s comments on Catholicism (LINK HERE).  What exactly is Rick thinking?  What’s next?  Is this guy even stable?  Who can predict what he’ll say tomorrow?

Well here’s what we found just five years into the future:

VIDEO LINK HERE!!

So, Rick Warren fans, that’s really too bad about the hair.  It’s sad what five years can do to follicles.  On the upside, it appears that Rick’s theological discernment will nevertheless remain intact!

Calvinistic Baptist authors of the seventeenth century # 3 - Thomas Wilcox

Meet Thomas Wilcox

I recently discovered an old article (LINK) from Dr. Michael Haykin on a very interesting early Reformed Baptist named Thomas Wilcox (1622-1687). Below are a number of historical gems from this article:



1.) The saying: “Praying will make thee leave sinning or sinning will make leave praying.” may have originated with Wilcox.

2.)His A Choice Drop of Honey from the Rock Christ gained him an uncommonly extensive readership for a Calvinistic Baptist. From the article:

Of the numerous Calvinistic Baptist authors of the seventeenth century, there were really only three who were being read extensively a century or two later. John Bunyan was, of course, one. Another was Benjamin Keach. And the third was Thomas Wilcox, about whom we really know very little.

3.) His Baptist convictions did not alienate Him from his other Reformed brethren:

Though a convinced Baptist, Wilcox was catholic enough in his sentiments to be invited frequently to preach among the Presbyterians and Congregationalists.

4.) His book A Choice Drop of Honey from the Rock Christ well captures the Christ-centred piety of the early Calvinistic Baptists. They were true heirs of the Puritans.
Be sure to read the linked article for more.

Of the work of a Pastor, Bishop, or Overseer - by big bad Ben-jamin' Keach

Of the work of a Pastor, Bishop, or Overseer

1. The work of a Pastor is to preach the Word of Christ, or to feed the Flock, and to administer all the Ordinances of the Gospel which belong to his Sacred Office, and to be faithful and laborious therein, studying to shew himself approved unto God, a Work-man that needeth not be ashamed, rightly dividing the Word of Truth. He is a Steward of the Mysteries of God, therefore ought to be a Man of good Understanding and Experience, being sound in the Faith, and one that is acquainted with the Mysteries of the Gospel: Because he is to feed the People with Knowledge and Understanding. He must be faithful and skillful to declare the Mind of God, and diligent therein, also to preach in season and out of season; God having committed unto him the Ministry of Reconciliation, a most choice and sacred Trust. What Interest hath God greater in the World which he hath committed unto Men than this? Moreover, he must make known the whole Counsel of God to the People.

2. A Pastor is to visit his Flock, to know their state, and to watch over them, to support the weak, and to strengthen the feeble-minded, and succour the tempted, and to reprove them that are unruly.

3. To pray for them at all times, and with them also when sent for, and desired, and as Opportunity serves; and to sympathize with them in every State and Condition, with all Love and Compassion.

4. And to shew them in all respects, as near as he can, a good Example in Conversation, Charity, Faith and Purity; that his Ministry may be the more acceptable to all, and the Name of God be glorified, and Religion delivered from Reproach.

5. He must see he carries it to all with all Impartiality, not preferring the Rich above the Poor, nor lord it over God’s Heritage, nor assume any greater Power than God hath given him; but to shew a humble and meek Spirit, nay to be clothed with Humility.
(Benjamin Keach, The Glory of a True Church)

a Hymn for my sermon - a Word from the Cross for penitent Sinners (Luke 23:43)

And Jesus said to the thief, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.”

a Hymn for my sermon - a Word from the Cross for penitent Sinners (Luke 23:43)

O Paradise, O Paradise Author: Frederick William Faber O paradise! O paradise! Who doth not crave for rest? Who would not seek the happy land where they that loved are blest. Refrain: Where loyal hearts and true stand ever in the light. all rapture through and through, in God's most holy sight? O paradise! O paradise! The world is growing old; who would not be at rest and free where love is never cold. Refrain O paradise! O paradise! I want to sin no more, I want to be as pure on earth as on thy spotless shore. Refrain O paradise! O paradise! 'Tis weary waiting here; I long to be where Jesus is, to feel, to see him near. Refrain O paradise! O paradise! I shall not wait for long; e'en now the loving ear may catch faint fragments of thy song. Refrain Lord Jesus, King of paradise, O keep me in thy love, and guide me to that happy land of perfect rest above. Refrain