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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

SAVE THE UNICORNS!

(SATIRE)

There is a grand Old Testament animal that is virtually extinct in today's American Churches.
What animal? Well, its the mighty Unicorn, of course. Sure the Science, History,
Discovery Channels and even Animal Planet may say that they are only mythology and don't exist in nature but if your one of the few, the proud, the self-righteous KJV only (King James Version)
kind of Christians then you've got work to do. Since the holy, inspired, inerrant - Translation 
of God? (the Mighty KJ, or King Jimmie version) proudly declares that Unicorns are real!

Numbers 23:21-23

King James Version (KJV)

 21He hath not beheld iniquity in Jacob, neither hath he seen perverseness in Israel: the LORD his God is with him, and the shout of a king is among them.
 22God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.
 23Surely there is no enchantment against Jacob, neither is there any divination against Israel: according to this time it shall be said of Jacob and of Israel, What hath God wrought!

Numbers 24:7-9

King James Version (KJV)

 7He shall pour the water out of his buckets, and his seed shall be in many waters, and his king shall be higher than Agag, and his kingdom shall be exalted.
 8God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows.
 9He couched, he lay down as a lion, and as a great lion: who shall stir him up? Blessed is he that blesseth thee, and cursed is he that curseth thee.

Deuteronomy 33:16-18

King James Version (KJV)

 16And for the precious things of the earth and fulness thereof, and for the good will of him that dwelt in the bush: let the blessing come upon the head of Joseph, and upon the top of the head of him that was separated from his brethren.
 17His glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of unicorns: with them he shall push the people together to the ends of the earth: and they are the ten thousands of Ephraim, and they are the thousands of Manasseh.
 18And of Zebulun he said, Rejoice, Zebulun, in thy going out; and, Issachar, in thy tents.

Job 39:8-11

King James Version (KJV)

 8The range of the mountains is his pasture, and he searcheth after every green thing.
 9Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?
 10Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee?
 11Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him?


Psalm 22:20-22

King James Version (KJV)

 20Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.
 21Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.
 22I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee.


Psalm 29:5-7

King James Version (KJV)

 5The voice of the LORD breaketh the cedars; yea, the LORD breaketh the cedars of Lebanon.
 6He maketh them also to skip like a calf; Lebanon and Sirion like a young unicorn.
 7The voice of the LORD divideth the flames of fire.

Psalm 92:9-11

King James Version (KJV)

 9For, lo, thine enemies, O LORD, for, lo, thine enemies shall perish; all the workers of iniquity shall be scattered.
 10But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn: I shall be anointed with fresh oil.
 11Mine eye also shall see my desire on mine enemies, and mine ears shall hear my desire of the wicked that rise up against me.

Isaiah 34:6-8

King James Version (KJV)

 6The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.
 7And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.
 8For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance, and the year of recompences for the controversy of Zion.

KJV-only animal-rights activist unite! 

It's about time we forced the American Churches to convert to the All Righteous KJV and get this holy Biblical animal on the endangered species list otherwise these Graceful animals will be lost to all future generations (of Bible readers). And all Christians will realize that the Best English Translation, by far, is the ESV (Elect Standard Version) or God forbid they actually love God and His Word enough to start learning the original Biblical Languages (yes, even I am starting Biblical Greek this Summer).

fyi - all references to Unicorns above should be properly translated to Wild Ox or Wild Oxen.




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